Reflections on Kierkegaard: On Being and Becoming

This morning while slurping a green smoothie in an attempt to feel well and alive, I listened to a “Philosophize This” podcast episode about Kierkegaard (who I will refer to as K for the rest of the blog) and "Creating Meaning." Although I have always felt resistance towards philosophy because of a "less thinking, more doing" kind-of-belief, since graduating college and drawing a blank on what to do next, I have identified a need for some sort of "theory of living"...and I guess I thought to turn to the founder of existentialism for some sugestions.

The host (Stephen West) says K recognized one of the central dilemmas of human existence is that we are in a constant "state of becoming", meaning we are constantly being faced with the need to make decisions that shape who we are. He says we exist in the "realm of human concern", in which we are in a constant state of reflection on who we have been and who we will be. The "realm of human concern" leads us to live in the past and the future. He says we dwell in who we have been and who we will become, rarely stopping to just be with who we are in this very moment. K thinks we have something to learn from "The Lily of the Field and The Bird of the Air" (namesake of one of his major works), two creatures that live in the present because they are at peace with what they are. The lily and the bird do not change their minds and decide to become something else every two seconds (as I feel like I have in the past few years.) Kierkegaard claims that in the simple act of being is where joy lies...but how do you come to the point of "just being" when you are constantly faced with the need to make decisions? The bird and the lily were born into their roles, they are what they were meant to be...but it does not feel that easy for us humans

This is where the question of how to live comes in, a question I seem to be asking myself again and again. I just graduated college and for the first time I feel the power of free-will. That's not to say I have never made decisions before. I decided where to go to college and what to study and what to wear (not without struggle, I may add), but these choices felt bounded (I could only choose from the schools I got into and the subjects that school offered and the clothes in my closet). Now the choices feels unconstrained and big, they are choices about who I want to be and how I want to live. Again and again I seem to be asking myself what is "the good life" and I am at a point where I feel the need to establish a set of values for myself (something I have always felt as a lofty and cheesy endeavour).

What I like about K's philosophy is that he does not tell you what your system of values should be, just to have one and stick to it. If you live without values, every decision presents new possibilities of being and you will be in a constant state of melancholy. Importantly, he says, it is not just about having values but about obeying them. K explains that without full “obedience” to a singular system of values, that system will crumble. This is where "either/or" comes in, either we fully commit to our values or we do something else. The hard part of all of this is that we must make a choice of how to live, even though there will never be a sense of certainty at the time we are making the choice. The answers will only come to us by living into the choice we make. K says that only by making a forced, “radical choice” or “leap of faith” will we ever experience the joy of simply being in the present, of existing in the "silence of being."

Once we make a choice, we will constantly be tempted to go stray from it. K states that the process of abandonment one's values does not happen all at once, it is gradual. You start by making small decisions that stray from your set values and then one day until one day you look at yourself don’t like who you have become and are living in a “new normal” that is not of your design. At the end of the podcast, the host points out that K's philosophy could make someone vulnerable to authoritarian system of values or cult thinking because it hinders flexibility/ critical thinking. The host says that that is why it is so important to come up with a strong system of values to withstand this kind of challenge.

It is here where I want to reflect on the implications of this theory of living on my life. I am coming to the realization that part of why it is so hard for me to make decisions and to stick to the decisions I make is in part because I do not have a set of guiding principles. I sometimes feel I am floating through life and pulled towards the most attractive decision at the time, even if that decisions is not consistent with the ones I made before that point or contradicts something I felt so strongly just weeks before. Even as I write this I fear that in a week I will abandon this blog and the set of values I am laying out for myself. It is when I compare myself to past selves that I feel a sense of doubt. I recognize that past Emilys have felt a great sense of certainty about paths/ relationships/etc and then changed their minds...I feel the need to try out a new way of being in which my actions are grounded in a system of values that I don't stray from (at least for a while)...although I still feel resistance to the kind of rigidity K seems to call for

After listening to this podcast, I found myself reflecting on why I feel a such a sense of disconnection from myself and "void" when I am not in a relationship. I realized that when I am with someone else, it is easy for me to take on the other person's system of beliefs as my own, and then when the relationship ends I am left with a sense of void. Of course, we are social being which means we are always being influenced by the people we love. Nevertheless, I think that I would better be able to stay grounded in myself while connecting to an "other" if I set some core values for myself. Even as I write this, I wonder if I wouldn’t be writing this if not for my current relationship... My search for meaning within literature and philosophy and art feels like it has much to do with this person's presence in my life...but also as if it has been part of me for a long time and this is the feeling I am chosing to trust

I want to create a system of values that is its own energy source. A system is so exciting and life-giving that, in its enactment, I ensure its survival. So here's my go at writing down some core values...(Wow, as I find myself at this place in the blog I keep on delaying the actual writing down of the "core values"... I think that calling them "musings" for now will help me write them...idk what K would think about me calling them that...probably goes against the whole point)

Here are my musings:

• In order to connect with other people, I must first be connected to myself

• In order to understand myself, I must make myself understood to others

• To make meaning, I must write about my life

• Writing sparks my sense of wonderment and my love of the world

• Observing the world will change it

• To become a writer, I must take my writing seriously...this means setting a timeline for myself and actually writing (preferrably at the same time every day)

• In a similar vain, I will make time to consume and reflect on the art I love, especially fiction (Miranda July, Sheila Heti, Lorrie Moore, Elif Batuman, Mary Gaitskill, Jhumpa Lahiri)

• I will make the choice that will give me more material to write about...(as Elif Batuman's character does in her novel The Idiot)

• Truth lies in humor

• My consciousness is something to play with

• I will enjoy moments of just being...of knowing that I am who I am because I am...and that I am in the right place

• Trust love

• Making decisions out of fear will never bring about the change I want

Ok, I don't know. Writing feels like a sort of madness and nothing every feels finished but I am going to hot "publish" now.